How to get to the Mushroom Kingdom from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

It's quite simple, really. Before you do anything, you must purchase an IUTT (Inter-Universal Tube Ticket) which will allow you to go anywhere you like for a solid week. The prices vary from state to state, but Pennsylvania's tickets are about $18.95 plus 6% sales tax. First, you take the green tube next to PPG (Pittsburgh Plate Glass building) which takes you to Mt. Washington. The next warp pipe is in Monroeville, so you might want to taxi it over there. This pipe is next to the Unimart/BP gas station around back, but you must first get the bathroom key from the clerk inside. At the end of this pipe ride (13.5 seconds, approx.), you will find yourself on the island of Papua New Guinea. Chief Pahgu-Pahgu will know what you need. Step into the blue tube to Tokyo...be careful NOT to take the OTHER blue tube, for it takes you to Memphis, Tennessee, and NO ONE wants THAT! In Tokyo, a sake bar will appear in front of you. Order the #1 Special with a side of nori and roe. A purple pipe will appear behind you. You will want to take it, but don't. To the right of it, another green pipe will appear, take this one...it leads to Uzbekistan. Here, you will have a 2-hour layover as the camels cross through the main interchange. Once they pass, you will see the Central Station of the entire tube networking system of the universe - a total of 3,825 tubes will now be at your disposal. Please remove your jacket and hand it to the suc-u-bus and make your way to reception. The clerk will ask you where you are going and you will reply "The Mushroom Kingdom" and he will stamp your hand with a number (your tube number) and a symbol (last time I checked the website, it was a triangle with a 1-up mushroom in the center...this is to let the guards on the other side know which station you came from). The clerk will also hand you a use-once key in the shape of a cylinder with an gold tip, brass mid-section, and silver end. Take this to the suc-u-bus and, if you give it $2, it will allow you to step into a glass HTT (Human Transfer Tube) which will expedite you to your tube...without this $2, you may find yourself walking for hours to the other end of the station. You will find your jacket and other personal belongings packaged in a vacuum-packed glass ball about the size of your fist...don't worry, everything is in there. When you are ready (you may want to step to the Starbucks behind you and gram a Peppermint latte for the trip), insert your key, gold tip down, into the tube. A special HTT will eject from the ground at a quick pace, so be wary. The door will open and you may move your belongings inside and set the ball in the inset cup. When you close the door, the HTT will rise and hover over tube for a one-minute decontamination using nanobugs that are sprayed onto the HTT that eat the bacteria on the outside. The interior AI will tell you, at this point, your destination, the TT (Tube Time), and the LC (Local Time) of your destination. You will be able to select a program for viewing while in the tube...Regis and Kelly is a popular show in Uzbekistan, so you may want to try it on with subtitles. The HTT will lower quickly into The Tube and your journey to the Mushroom Kingdom will have begun. It is also suggested, that at the instant you feel compelled to use a restroom, you press the "hypersleep" button beneath the cup inset that holds your belongings. A gas will emit from a small compartment above your head (enough for one person that must be refilled at the other side) and you will fall asleep. Once on the otherside, your personal decontamination will begin. In this particular instance, a gooba will gas you to remove oder and disease. You will be promted at this time to exchange currency from USD (US Dollars) to MKC (Mushroom Kingdom Coins). You will also be issued a coin sak since bills are forein here. A canister is issued for you to store your wallet behind the desk for your return trip, but, if you will not be returning, an incinterator is there at your disposal, pun intended. Telephones in the Mushroom Kingdom are not cheap and you may want to purchase an IED (Inter-Ear Device) for your calls. Because they use the airwaves and not a line, the calls are cheaper as well as the tax. You may now be wondering, "Where IS the Mushroom Kingdom?" This is a simple question to answer: Universe Zeta, Nebula DRN-87, Navern Galaxy, Yakazhuni Solar System. The planet that the actual Mushroom Kingdom resides on is located only 13,000 miles from the very small star Waikora. The planet is Txrati and shares its land with also the Kingom of Hyrule and Kirby Land. Unless you have an appropriate multi-kingdom visa, these places are off limits and you must make way to the nearest Earth consulate for more information. Enjoy the stay!