On the Defenestration of Watermelons [The Art]

When in your life it becomes necessary, I have fabricated a new trend titled frankly as "Watermelon Defenestration". Surprisingly enough, I've created quite an art form and ritual, and the thought process is pleasently twisted and inanely structured. The instructions are found below:

  1. The Watermelon to be used must be bought on a Wednesday during one of the "3" hours (3am or 3pm)
  2. It is to be washed the same day during one of the "9" hours
  3. It is to be sliced into three parts (does not matter which ways) on one of the "1" hours
  4. Visible seeds should be removed for maximum impact effect
  5. Each tri-section of the Watermelon is to be defenestrated (thrown out of a window) from a different window, only on the east side of a building, all three on the same day, or one piece each day over three days, never two pieces in one day
  6. The floor from which the Watermelon tri-section is to be thrown from should correspond to the hour of the day it is to be defenestrated
  7. When the defenestration is to be carried out, one's dominant hand must embrace the underside of the tri-section, and in one swift movement, bring the hand to the top [one-handedly], and hurl the slice to the earth
  8. This final culmination and completion should provide as an interesting stress-reliever
Additional Rules
  • One should wait a period of 27 days before another Watermelon is to be bought and/or defenestrated
  • There is no specific rule stating the number of times Watermelons may be defenestrated from a single window over a period of years, but it is recommended that it not exceed three times per year
  • It is considered bad luck for a member of the defenestration party to be on the same level as the Watermelon is to be smashed upon, as well as to take a photo of the post-defenestrated Watermelon
  • It is suggested that the Watermelon be defenestrated onto a ground level, and that, no matter where one is (city, suburbs, etc.), the floors to be counted vertically to correspond to the time of day should be counted from earthen level
  • The traditional defenestration party consists of three individuals, one for each tri-section, and for each one person is designated to defenestrate his or her slice
  • It is considered good luck to sprinkle sea salt over each tri-section by the section's defenestrator
  • These rules are particular to the Art of the Defenestration of the Watermelon and no other fruit, for which there are other varying instructions, rituals, rules, and variations, and it is not to be assumed that any apply universally, although that may be the case

- Zaevodnik reserves all rights to "The Art of the Defenestration of Watermelons", its ideologies, instructions, variations, original idea, etcetera.


51 States of the US of A

Today, a miracle happened. No, no, I know what you're thinking: "Oh, Zak, I'm SOO glad to hear Julia Child has been resurrected from her grave and returned to daytime television" <=sorry to dissapoint you, but, NO, Julia Child is dead...now get the FUCK over it! The miracle has occured that Puerto Rico has finally, after decades of internal debate, years of struggling, months of deliberating, days of urinating, and hours of milking the Goat of Yarazila, they voted "YES". What does this mean for America proper?? Anyone??? VACATION! President Condi has been kind enough to grant Puerto Rican citizenship to everyone in every state, excluding Alabama, Mississippi, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, and North Dakota. The five former have been denounced recently by the White House for their participation in the fostering of nuclear proliferation, and North Dakota's citizens have been excluded because you can't take a polar bear and send it to the Mojave desert and expect it to survive.

If only Jamaica would just, give in, 'mon, and vote for their state-ency...then the price of the famous Dutch filling would fall.


How to get to the Mushroom Kingdom from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

It's quite simple, really. Before you do anything, you must purchase an IUTT (Inter-Universal Tube Ticket) which will allow you to go anywhere you like for a solid week. The prices vary from state to state, but Pennsylvania's tickets are about $18.95 plus 6% sales tax. First, you take the green tube next to PPG (Pittsburgh Plate Glass building) which takes you to Mt. Washington. The next warp pipe is in Monroeville, so you might want to taxi it over there. This pipe is next to the Unimart/BP gas station around back, but you must first get the bathroom key from the clerk inside. At the end of this pipe ride (13.5 seconds, approx.), you will find yourself on the island of Papua New Guinea. Chief Pahgu-Pahgu will know what you need. Step into the blue tube to Tokyo...be careful NOT to take the OTHER blue tube, for it takes you to Memphis, Tennessee, and NO ONE wants THAT! In Tokyo, a sake bar will appear in front of you. Order the #1 Special with a side of nori and roe. A purple pipe will appear behind you. You will want to take it, but don't. To the right of it, another green pipe will appear, take this one...it leads to Uzbekistan. Here, you will have a 2-hour layover as the camels cross through the main interchange. Once they pass, you will see the Central Station of the entire tube networking system of the universe - a total of 3,825 tubes will now be at your disposal. Please remove your jacket and hand it to the suc-u-bus and make your way to reception. The clerk will ask you where you are going and you will reply "The Mushroom Kingdom" and he will stamp your hand with a number (your tube number) and a symbol (last time I checked the website, it was a triangle with a 1-up mushroom in the center...this is to let the guards on the other side know which station you came from). The clerk will also hand you a use-once key in the shape of a cylinder with an gold tip, brass mid-section, and silver end. Take this to the suc-u-bus and, if you give it $2, it will allow you to step into a glass HTT (Human Transfer Tube) which will expedite you to your tube...without this $2, you may find yourself walking for hours to the other end of the station. You will find your jacket and other personal belongings packaged in a vacuum-packed glass ball about the size of your fist...don't worry, everything is in there. When you are ready (you may want to step to the Starbucks behind you and gram a Peppermint latte for the trip), insert your key, gold tip down, into the tube. A special HTT will eject from the ground at a quick pace, so be wary. The door will open and you may move your belongings inside and set the ball in the inset cup. When you close the door, the HTT will rise and hover over tube for a one-minute decontamination using nanobugs that are sprayed onto the HTT that eat the bacteria on the outside. The interior AI will tell you, at this point, your destination, the TT (Tube Time), and the LC (Local Time) of your destination. You will be able to select a program for viewing while in the tube...Regis and Kelly is a popular show in Uzbekistan, so you may want to try it on with subtitles. The HTT will lower quickly into The Tube and your journey to the Mushroom Kingdom will have begun. It is also suggested, that at the instant you feel compelled to use a restroom, you press the "hypersleep" button beneath the cup inset that holds your belongings. A gas will emit from a small compartment above your head (enough for one person that must be refilled at the other side) and you will fall asleep. Once on the otherside, your personal decontamination will begin. In this particular instance, a gooba will gas you to remove oder and disease. You will be promted at this time to exchange currency from USD (US Dollars) to MKC (Mushroom Kingdom Coins). You will also be issued a coin sak since bills are forein here. A canister is issued for you to store your wallet behind the desk for your return trip, but, if you will not be returning, an incinterator is there at your disposal, pun intended. Telephones in the Mushroom Kingdom are not cheap and you may want to purchase an IED (Inter-Ear Device) for your calls. Because they use the airwaves and not a line, the calls are cheaper as well as the tax. You may now be wondering, "Where IS the Mushroom Kingdom?" This is a simple question to answer: Universe Zeta, Nebula DRN-87, Navern Galaxy, Yakazhuni Solar System. The planet that the actual Mushroom Kingdom resides on is located only 13,000 miles from the very small star Waikora. The planet is Txrati and shares its land with also the Kingom of Hyrule and Kirby Land. Unless you have an appropriate multi-kingdom visa, these places are off limits and you must make way to the nearest Earth consulate for more information. Enjoy the stay!


Un-Fabricated Paradox

- I must note, this is the first and last post that will actually contain that which is true, a regular paradox, not fabricated ones which this blog shall contain herein from (ha). Thanks for your explicit understanding.

In the past, I imagined the future of Williamsport full of life, with a Starbucks, downtown movie theater, and people laughing and playing in the sand along the Susquehannah. Strangely, much to my surprise, off on a tangent gone awry, against all odds and firmly pressing upon all my previous beliefs and conscious ponderings of that which could possibly be true, I was wrong. I was wrong to believe these things would never come to fruition, but they will, and they have. This is how my secluded world first began to turn for the better...the Downtown Williamsport Revitilization Project has begun, and still has me in disbelief.